Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
