She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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