my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
