In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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