Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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