so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
