Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
