I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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