need another drink. this is the easiest way
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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