So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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