I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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