i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
