her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
