At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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