i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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