I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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