My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think I just shit out all my problems.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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