The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
