We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
