Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
