I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
