I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
