this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
