So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
