I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
