Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
