I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
