she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
