I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
