Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
