im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
