the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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