Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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