i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
