she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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