So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
