I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
