Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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