Betty ford says i'm here all night
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
