i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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