Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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