The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
