i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
