Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
