we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
