I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
