It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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