I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I have grass duct taped all over my body
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
