Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
