I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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