then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
