dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
