alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
