I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
